this one thing - transparency - is a very important characteristic to have...especially as a leader. all the blogs that i do are small glimpses into who i am...and whoever chooses to read them, as weird as my blogs are - those people get to see me...for a second, in a small window of my life...i vomit my thoughts onto the keyboard, and there they appear in front of me on the screen...
i keep thinking that as people read my thoughts, what do they think...and should it matter?
some of these blogs feel better than others, and today just doesn't feel very good...
.........
my life would be better if i weren't the way that i am...i mean, there are so many days that i absolutely hate who i am...i know that my temperament and personality are there because that is how God created me, but i wish that He had done something different...
there are days that i wish i didn't care about people...or what they think...does that sound heartless?
i.e....my wife is having a bad day...the first thing i want to do is find some way to make it better... and maybe you're thinking that it's okay, because its my wife....but, i'm like that with just about anyone i meet...with everyone....and i hate it! but i can't change it...the moment i try to be someone else it feels unnatural and wrong as well...
the three other people that i'm working with on this new venture aren't like that...well, two of them for sure...and i envy that about them...i wish i could be them...
i mean, seriously, who am i, and what am i doing here? a couple of good friends encouraged me last week with answers to those questions, but the questions still remain...
when i feel like this, i don't feel like i'm being a leader...a part of me thinks that there may be someone else out there that feels the way i do, and so, they need to know that they're not alone...another part of me wants me to suck it up and never talk about it again...
....to be cold...and distant....and heartless....and uncaring...qc
on days like today, i wish that i could be those things...my life would be easier...
Everyday Sunday
"Find Me Tonight"
Yesterday, I could not feel this.
Today I'm sick of trying
to live like I can live on my own.
This world around me is suffocating.
I keep forgetting to turn and run to you
So find me wherever I am.
Won't you find me?
I've got myself lost,
and I don't think I want to
be roaming in heartache.
Please find me tonight.
I make it hard,
and I cant stand it,
can't drag my head around it.
I wrestle with you more than I should.
I've made a mess of everything,
but you see the best in me.
I'll never be too far gone.
So find me wherever I am.
Won't you find me?
I've got myself lost,
and I don't think I want to
be roaming in heartache.
Please find me tonight.
You speak without sound.
Your love is so loud.
You always save me.
So find me...
4 comments:
Just curious... you say the "other people" that you are working on this venture with "aren't like that"... so am I correct when I am taking from this statment that in your opinion the other people involved then are not first concerned about helping others and making things right for other people, but are first concerned with themselves? And am I taking that you envy that? I guess I can see it to a point...it's hard work putting other people first. Sometimes downright exhausting. Sometimes it's so unfulfilling and huge sacrifices so often go unnoticed. It's these times we repeat over and over..."Store up your treasures in Heaven". It stinks, but at times like that I can't help but think....How else will others see God's love? Through selfishness? Through the "so what" attitude? Somehow I just don't think that will do it. And so, I keep on... and so do you.
I may be wrong... I frequently am, but I have to tell you that I personally am tired of being made to doubt my worth by certain people. It's happened continously for the last few months and really.. I'm tired of it. Our self worth doesn't and SHOULD NOT lie in the hands of others. Took me a long time to figure out where it was coming from. Seems like you are struggling with some of the same feelings.
Regardless of what's going on I just have a few observations... 1) I find it hard to think that you truly envy this behavior and really truly wish God would have made you different. While I truly can appreciate the honesty in this statement at the moment you said it as you were probably feeling it I know that you are grateful for the heart God gave you for other people. Something in our personalities though always makes us envious of qualities we see in others that we think we want, yet I've learned that in so many cases those same people we are looking at are looking right back at us thinking those same things about our qualities.
Truth is Chris, God really did make you different. It takes a special person to care about others more than oneself. I see how much you adore Janice and would do anything for her (including giving up your cell phone upgrade among countless other acts of selfless sacrifice). You wouldn't do it if you didn't get the warm fuzzies in your heart of hearts knowing that someone you care about is better off because of something you did. It's not just Janice....What a blessing you are to everyone around you Chris...Seriously, there is no one else better to be on Earth than yourself and you don't have to feel inferior to anyone, no matter how much it seems like they have it all together, know it all, or have all the answers. That's the enemy...he works on me with the same lies. We need to see ourselves as GOD sees us... AWESOME. You have been divinely appointed to make huge changes where you have been planted. You are and blessed beyond measure with talents and gifts that no one else has.
2) if this venture is the venture that I have in mind, then isn't the ENTIRE reason for taking on the endeavor FOR others?? So I'm curious how successful this whole thing going to be if the people who are in charge of making this thing come together put their own needs above others first, or don't give a rip what others think. Are the people who are going to come going to feel welcomed and important like they are the reason for your existence or like they are some huge burden to the leadership? It kind of misses the point doesn't it? Aren't we called to be "holy".... aren't we called to be "different"? The world is cold, bitter, selfish, and insensitive. The world "doesn't care what people think". The hand of God has to be different. The house you are creating has to be "different". The way I see it, we are God's Public Relations Team. We can talk all we want but it's our actions towards others that show the world we are different. YOU, just by being the you that you are, show the world that we are different... some others frankly do not.
What is our purpose in doing the things we do and by choosing to do them the way we do? God we are doing this for your glory and you tell us to love our neighbor as ourselves. Thank you for my heart for others Lord that they might see you through me OR, I don't give a rip... people can think what they want, but this is who I am and how I am and if people don't like it well whatever. I guess it just makes me sad that you would want to give up the first for the latter because quite frankly as Christians, set apart, just as Paul tells us... people are watching... we really do have to care what people think IF we want them to buy what we are selling.
No matter how we feel, by putting ourselves in leadership positions we have chosen to be an example. Some do a better job at being a good example than others and, in my opinion,the people that do it best, especially and when in a position such as being called to bring others to Christ, are the people who put the needs of others over themselves. I heard that Casas showed a video on Easter about a man who operated a bridge. When it was down the train could go over. When the boats came along to pass under it, it was his job to raise the bridge signaling to the trains to stop while the boat crossed safely underneath. This one day in particular he had brought his son with him to work. The bridge is up and along comes a train. With no boats in sight he goes to lower the bridge and out of the corner of his eye sees his young son playing right in the spot where he will be crushed to death when the bridge closes. Here he is faced with a dilemma.... close the bridge and lose his son whom he knows loves Jesus, or, save his son by leaving the bridge up inevitably derailing and crashing the train killing who knows how many people, and who knows how many of them know Jesus. What to do... what to do...... Down goes the bridge. The train passes and the people go rushing by with no clue that a crash was imminent had this man not sacrificed his son that they may live.
In that same way Christ died for us, and in that same way we must die for our brothers and sisters. Not all are called as you are called Chris... God is doing AMAZING things through you (at Foothills, in your family, and in the families of your friends) and I think the enemy is working even through people close to you to derail the good plans God has for you. Hold strong and hold firm... be encouraged knowing that Christ who began this good work in you will carry it on to completion.
I totally think your feelings are valid and it's so easy to get frustrated, but I also totally think you really just don't give yourself enough credit sometimes Chris. You have passion, COM-passion, love for others, and a desire to show others God's love and what it has done for you and can do for them.
THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU.... it's just what I need to be encouraged sometimes that you are not just like everyone else.
I'm going to bed now that it's 1:30 AM :) BUT, as I leave, Hebrews 12:1 comes to mind....
and the name of your blog site says it all... Run. Abide. Sacrifice.
*prayin' ya through*
In Christ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFpWZPRiknA
Hi Chris, so this is coming from one of those people who's problems you have tried to solve. I guess I just want to tell you that I love ya the way you are. You have touched my heart in a way that "the others", though I love them too, may never be able to even atempt to reach. Your spirit is special and you have an amazing heart for others. Let God use you for who you are and be thankful. Yes I get that we all need to learn the lesson that we are not responsible for others decisions, but never let that get in the way of your loving heart. I'm praying for you brother.
to comment on the one from april 26th, the people in this venture are very concerned about others, that's why they are doing this with me...I just view them as being stronger than me...they take criticism better, handle theology better, and i think that they are just overall better leaders...
I think that my heart is out there on my sleeve, and so I have have a difficult time taking criticism in stride...these guys seem to be great at it..
I really do envy them...I wish that could separate things better in my life...they seem to do it great...while totally loving others with their whole hearts...
I simply want to be better than who I am right now...
and to all...thanks for the prayers!
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