its late...i'm supposed to be in bed, but my mind will not stop...girls are sleeping...janice fell asleep on the sofa while reading her psych text book...
and my mind...its going crazy...its going crazy thinking about ministry...and calling...as of a couple days ago i was doubting it--and like i said, that feeling comes and goes...but this feeling is different...i haven't had this feeling as often as i've had the other....its like something has caught fire inside of my veins, and its burning me from the inside out...
its in times like these that i feel more than ever that ministry was what i was born to do...and not just ministry, but preaching God's word...preaching in a way that people know that i love them and care about them, but in a way that isn't sugar-coated...
sometimes i feel like i'm just playing the christian game...especially as a pastor...i go to the office...prepare the music for sunday...have practice...go to staff meeting...take care of odds and ends around the church when needed (or when asked)...but is there any difference being made-- or am i just helping to pamper those that show up on sunday mornings? am i impacting lives for the kingdom--or am i just helping fill an hour and a half during their week? what the heck am i doing?
its hitting me hard....harder than most times before....and, i guess, that's the reason i was questioning things earlier...questioning my calling...there are pastor's that spend their whole lives in the same small church doing the same thing, the entire life of their ministry...and, i can't say that there is anything wrong with that...but, i simply don't think that is what God is calling me to...
for those that will read this, please don't take it the wrong way...God is doing some great things at FCC...and, pj and connie have been his vessels to use to help shape countless lives along the way...and, i praise God for them...
nevertheless, what i'm saying and thinking has nothing to do with FCC or pj...for me, its going deeper and farther than any feeling i've had before....and it pushes on my life...its like i'm going back to 14 and 19...the two times that i felt God calling me...its that kind of feeling...ones that makes me want to stand, with Word in hand, and preach...preach God's grace, and justice, and wrath, and love, and righteousness, and mercy...preach in a way that pisses people off and draws them at the same time...draws them to Christ.
i don't know what's coming, or when...i just know that it is...so, i need to be preparing myself...growing thicker and thinner skin...developing a backbone of steel and hands that love...learning how to speak words that pierce and mend (with the power of the Holy Spirit)...developing character that is above reproach...epitomizing 1 Tim. 3...
Jesus...help me and prepare me!!
No comments:
Post a Comment