its 11:13...and i'm up. its been a long day...
luke and i ran all over creation trying to find different components to get rid of a humm that we were hearing while trying to record things on the new computer...we were successful, but it ate up the majority of my day...
in the brief moments that i had between working on the sound and running everywhere, i was reading the article that i mentioned in my previous blog...
my youngest daughter is having some issues medically that are concerning us...blood in her urine. the doc seemed panicked today when he checked her out...so they sent us home with a device to try and collect a urine sample from an 18-month-old girl...just about the most impossible thing ever...so we tried it, and it failed miserably...
also this evening, a couple of friends made their way to our house because they're having work done on theirs...their family was over for about 4 hours this evening...it was fun and exhausting...
the whole time that all of this is going down, i'm thinking about ministry...with a big question of "why?" - not so much of 'why' do ministry, but why the heck AM I doing ministry...why couldn't He pick someone else...i know that i made myself available to Him to do His will for His purposes and His glory...but the 'why' remains...
is there something special about my skill-set that makes able to do ministry better (am i even wording this correctly?)?? my God...i wish i knew...
a friend told me that sometimes its like what we do with our own children...there are some things we tell them and some things we don't, because we know that they can't handle them...yet. if we told them all the things that we were thinking about them, it would terrify them...so, maybe that is what God's doing with me...just maybe...
but, it doesn't stop my mind from spinning and thinking about the future...and thinking about ministry....and about preaching...and possibly planting...and all the fears that go along with those things...
don't want to get the cart before the horse, and i just want to say that these are simply my thoughts...the thoughts that run through my mind multiple times a day...sometimes i with that they would stop, and other times they comfort me and spur me on...
so...what is driving me? what is it? what drives you? i want to be better than who i am right now...to fulfill the calling that is on my life...
why is it so hard to wrap my mind around? why am i so scared? terrified? and, i feel alone in this, even though i know i'm not...another friend of mine is seemingly struggling with the same thing...when she talks about it, i feel inadequate as a pastor...and a man...because, there are so many things that i want to say and do...and i don't know how to put them into words...
its 11:31...done for tonight...
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